Interpersonal Love, Falling in Love, & Being in Love VII

Interpersonal Love, Falling in Love, & Being in Love VII

Dennis Bradford

388 Posts



N.B.:  The following post is the seventh of a 7-post sequence on love.  Since I wrote them, I’ve revised them and put them together into Interpersonal Love, Falling in Love, and Being in Love.  Instead of reading the sequence here, I encourage you, if possible, to download it for free with no strings attached at:  If you do and are able to print it out, it’ll be easier to read on paper and you’ll be reading the final revisions.  I hope you’ll find it very helpful and I welcome your feedback.  Be well, Dennis

Most of us spend a good portion of our lives trying to improve our interpersonal relationships, our love lives. How well is that going for you?

Thinking well about love is helpful but insufficient.  Loving well is what counts.  As Nietzsche puts it: “Learning is not enough!  The scholar is the herd animal in the realm of knowledge . . .” [from The Will to Power, Kaufmann & Hollingdale, translators.]

Fundamentally, mastering is a 2-step process:  learn what to do and do it.

Learn from greatest masters.  Who are those who have mastered the art of loving?  To whom should we turn?

Those with personal calibrations of 950 and above.  Many have died such as The Buddha [personal calibration of 1000], Jesus [1000], David R. Hawkins [996], Nagarjuna [980], and Baso [950].  Some such as Eckhart Tolle [952] and still living.

Learn from the greatest spiritual works such as Hawkin’s I [999.8], Nagarjuna’s Mulamadhyanakakarika [980; I recommend the English translation and commentary by Jayu. L. Garfield.], the Upanishads [970], and the Vedas [970].

Ultimately, you must rely on yourself and teach yourself.  Obviously, nobody can love well for you.

A common and important mistake is paying much attention to teaching who calibrate at 499 or lower.  Nearly all the major philosophers from the western tradition calibrate in the 400s, including all the major ones from the 20th century, which is ultimately my justification for mostly ignoring them here.

Intellectuals have a tendency to slip from methodological materialism into metaphysical materialism.  Methodological materialism is the method of proceeding to investigate the world by ignoring consciousness, by pretending that it doesn’t exist. Although it cannot be denied that it’s unclear why it works so well, this has been the method of modern science and it’s had a lot of practical success.

As Hume argued, future regularities need not resemble past ones. Sometimes they do; sometimes they don’t. The problem is that we cannot tell the difference.

Metaphysical materialism is grounded on the thesis that to be an entity is to be material; nothing immaterial is real.  Nobody with a personal calibration of 500 or higher holds such a preposterous view.

Ultimately everyone who calibrates at 499 or higher (including even great scientists like Newton and Einstein) is trapped in their bodies, their thoughts, and their emotions, i.e., their experiences.  Since all physical forms or bodies are temporary, fleeting like soap bubbles, if you identify only with your body you will fear death, and that fear may spawn all other fears.  In that sense, to believe that you are nothing but matter is to be fearful.

Genuine love, which breaks the back of fear, becomes possible at a personal calibration of 500 or higher.  All those who would be wise should raise their personal calibrations at least that high.  That’s a good goal for everyone.  There’s no reason known to me why everyone cannot do it. It’s not a matter of gaining understanding so much as it’s a matter of dropping delusion.

Unconditional love, which is highly valued but infrequently practiced, becomes possible at a personal calibration of 540 or higher.  All those who would master the art of loving should raise their personal calibrations at least that high.  That’s a good goal for everyone who is serious about loving well.

But how?

Although it’s almost never easy in practice, it’s simple in theory:  drop all egocentric attachments.  That means letting go of attachment to thinking.  Why?

Thinking is conceptualizing, which is using concepts to separate.  That’s sometimes a very useful ability.  Mother Nature gave us the ability to think because it can enable us to survive and reproduce. Since thinking is so slow, she also gave us emotions to prompt usually beneficial actions in situations that might otherwise get us killed or injured. If you notice that you are standing too close to a deadly snake, jump away instead of thinking about what to do.

The problem is not with thinking itself; the problem is with compulsive thinking.  We become so attached to it that it can seem as if it’s impossible to be awake and conscious without thinking.  That’s not impossible.

In fact, “no-thought” is required if you want to raise your personal calibration to 500 or above.  The idea of a spiritual practice such as meditation is to cultivate very alert consciousness without thinking. At least temporarily letting go of your favorite self-centered thoughts is required.

This is why nearly all the greatest philosophers and scientists calibrate at 499 or lower.  They get stuck thinking and die without cultivating the critical experience of no-thought.

Sages have been saying this in different ways for thousands of years.  For example, to escape addiction to thinking “it is necessary to go beyond duality,” [from Hawkins’s I]  Enjoying the direct experience of Being requires dropping all dualistic thinking, which traps us in partiality.

Since our essence or nature is formless, timeless Being, remaining trapped in partiality prevents us from experiencing unity (wholeness, oneness). 

Actually, Being is beyond conceptions like unity/non-unity. All language uses forms and, so, using language to describe formless Being is impossible.  The limited cannot capture the unlimited. Please do yourself a favor and don’t get hung up on the words or on small-minded logic-chopping.

This is why those who identify God with Being often rely on stating what it is not rather than what it is.  Instead of saying it’s eternal, they say it’s timeless.  Instead of saying it’s unlimited, they say it’s without limit.  At best, words are just pointers.

In case it helps, Being is often identified with Life or Consciousness or Presence or Love or Spirit or Truth; there are many other words (e.g., ‘Mu’) that are used to refer to it as well.  What matters, of course, is the direct apprehension of Being and not the words.

Being is the foundation of love.  Without sufficiently dropping compulsive thinking, there’s really insufficient opening to Being for genuine love.  In that sense, genuine love is grounded upon spirituality.  It is not grounded on thinking well or even on being literate. Sufficient opening to Being for genuine love begins at 500 and increases as personal calibrations rise. 

500 is the point at which materiality, which calibrates from 1 to 499, opens to immateriality.  About 86% of humans never make it.  If so, that explains a lot of the damage human beings have done to each other and to the planet, doesn’t it?  Instead of living in love, most people live their lives in fear and act accordingly.

Your essence is Being.  You can be loved well only by those who recognize what you essentially are.  Very few people are able to do that, which may explain why your love life has been so turbulent, frustrating, unsatisfactory, and unfulfilling.

Here’s a relevant and supposedly true story about Gandhi, whose personal calibration was 760.  A woman brought her young son to the ashram to speak to Gandhi.  She complained to him about her child’s addiction to sugar.  “My son won’t stop eating sugar.  Please tell him to stop.”  After listening to her, Gandhi asked her to return with her son in two weeks.  Puzzled, the woman left.  Two weeks later she and her son were again sitting in front of Gandhi, who said to the boy, “Stop eating sugar.”  In her perplexity the woman asked, “Why couldn’t you have told him that two weeks ago?”  He replied, “Madam, two weeks ago I was still eating sugar.”

Instead of trying to change the world, change yourself.

Do you love well? 

Loving well requires being able to recognize the Being that is so-called other’s essence.  That’s love’s prerequisite.  If you calibrate at 499 or lower, you are incapable of doing that.   Since currently only about 14% of humans are able to do that, realizing that may help to explain why your love life has been so turbulent, frustrating, unsatisfactory, and unfulfilling.

Unless you have sufficiently opened to Being, you cannot recognize Being in another – or in yourself. That means that you are unable to love well. (Of course, you may believe that you are able to love well even if your personal calibration is below 499, but that belief is false.)

If you have sufficiently opened to Being, you are able to recognize Being in another and in yourself.  What you are able to cognize is that your essence is the same as the other’s essence. That means that you are able to love well.

That does not require creating any kind of a relationship.  Sages love well without having any compulsions.  It’s traditionally said that they are friends with everyone.  Even brief, one-time encounters are enough.  There’s nothing sticky or clinging or possessive about genuine love.  On the other hand, sages are also free to create relationships and many have done so.

In The Will to Power Nietzsche wrote: “I seek an eternity for everything.”  Since eternal Being is the essence of others, perhaps what he was expressing was a desire to feel completely at home in the world, to find himself in everything. At least sages do find themselves completely at home in the world.

The requirement for loving well is getting outside all thoughts and realizing that what I am is essentially the same as what my beloved essentially is.  Satisfying encounters or enduring relationships based on that identity are the foundation of masterful loving. 

Genuine love is primarily a spiritual connection in which one identifies with the beloved’s essence and all the beloved’s other characteristics are taken as secondary. 

We all desire deeply satisfying relationships, but few are willing to open sufficiently to Being, which is what all such relationships require.  To open sufficiently, we must release all identifications with all bodily sensations and perceptions, all thoughts and beliefs, and all emotions. We must drop all attachments to our past experiences.  We must drop the past with all its conditioning in order to realize the unconditioned.  We must let go of the manifest and encounter the unmanifest.

We need to realize (and not just think) that the same Being that is essentially what I am is essentially what the other also essentially is.

Without that, there’s no genuine love.  Nietzsche: “ . . . where one can no longer love, there one should pass by.”  [from Thus Spoke Zarathustra; Nietzsche’s emphasis.]

There’s a whole industry of people including some certified psychologists who advertise themselves as being able to teach us how to gain genuine love. There are lots of well-known teachers who make money teaching pick-up such as, for example, David DeAngelo [Eben Pagan], Mystery, Neil Strauss, Swingcat, Grant Adams, John Gray, Leil Lowndes, Kevin Bates, and Savoy.  Sometimes their attraction or dating techniques seem to work in the sense that we are enabled to get dates or sex or marriage. 

My advice? Save your time and money. Why? There’s nothing that it’s possible to gain that will enable you to transition from living poorly to living well. Living well doesn’t come from gaining more; instead, it comes from dropping obstructions to Being. Nobody except you can enable you to open to Being, which, again, is the prerequisite for genuine love. 

Don’t believe me? It’s alright to be skeptical; after all, you’ve been conned before. However, being negative will just result in your staying stuck. Investigate for yourself. Boost your personal calibration to 500, 540, or even higher and watch what happens.  What you essentially are is Being.  Realizing that is the only requirement.

“Everything fulfills its purpose by merely being what it is.”  [from Hawkins’s I]

Yet you may feel an urge to do something.  You may think that gaining something to have will yield lasting fulfillment.  It won’t.

If you have only tried doing or having things so far, how well has that worked?  If you believe that living well may occur in the future, if you are deeply attached to the someday syndrome (namely, “If only I had X, then I’d live well), you’ll just remain stuck in dissatisfaction.

As Eckhart Tolle never tires of emphasizing, living well is only available now.  Stop treating the present moment only as a stepping stone to some better future time.  Why?  There is no future time!  It’s always now.  Except as now, we’ve never experienced the future because it’s nothing but a set of imagined thoughts and, so, can never be experienced except as now.

There’s no need for us to gain something else.  We already have everything required for living well.  The reason we don’t think that is because our powerful egocentric attachments to what we think matters (namely, again, our bodily sensations and perceptions, our thoughts and beliefs, our emotions, in other words, to your usual experiences) is obstructing us.

We don’t even need more time.  How much time does letting go take?  Only an instant.

Another way to put this is favored by Dr. Hawkins who frequently teaches that what matters is context whereas we are stuck attached to content.  Again, “One’s reality is the context and not the content.”  Similarly from I:

“Spiritual work involves withdrawing attachment to or identification with content and then progressively realizing that one’s reality is context.”

He means by ‘content’ all the usual objects of consciousness, all mental content.  That’s all self.  It’s all temporary and focusing only on it cannot yield lasting fulfillment or happiness.  “In reality, the source of happiness is the Self, and not the self” [from I]. 

This is why “spiritual work is essentially the letting go of attachments to thoughts and cherished positionalities, opinions, and memories, the value of which has been inflated and over-esteemed by narcissistic identification.  The core of ‘ego’ is narcissism.”

Do you choose to be narcissistic or loving?  If narcissistic and you want to remain that way, don’t begin spiritual work and your love life will simply remain unsatisfactory and unfulfilling.  If loving, begin spiritual work.

If you want to begin spiritual work, what should you do?  I don’t know.  Nobody else does either.  (Why?  I explain in another post at

At least for western adults, the reality is that the chief reason why most begin spiritual work is because of an important loss.  In my case, it was because of a divorce.  For others, it may be the death of a loved one, the loss of a career, the loss of a home or a great deal of money, loss of religious faith, etc.

If that describes you, assuming that you don’t already practice them, I recommend two techniques. First, learn how to dissolve any prolonged, unwanted emotions. In the short term, sometimes emotions can be helpful; however, that’s not the case with long-term buried emotions. The good news is that all can (and should) be dissolved. Second, learn how to obstruct their arising in the first place. (Neither technique is original with me; I learned them from sages. I teach both in my books and videos.)

The result? Instead of dragging “heavy” emotions through life occasionally for years, you’ll quickly feel much lighter and enjoy life more. Furthermore, you’ll lose the fear of trying new things because of their potential emotional impact.

The good news is that it’s not necessary to wait for an important loss to occur to begin.  Even if you haven’t yet suffered any, they will come as you age.  For example, you’ll lose your youth and your health.  Sages advise not to wait until you are old and tears are running down your cheeks to begin.

Here are three options.

Learn from recognized sages such as David R. Hawkins or Eckhart Tolle.  Buy and study their books and courses.  If possible, attend their retreats.  Watch their talks on YouTube.  It’s not one-on-one guidance, but it may be all that you ever need is impersonal guidance from someone whose personal calibration is 600 or higher.

If there happens to be a spiritual center near you that is run by a sage, you may be able to join it and go there to benefit from its teachings and practice sessions. It may provide you with some one-on-one guidance.

Hire a certified life coach as a guide for a limited period of time to get you started.  Don’t risk wasting your money by hiring someone whose personal calibration is 499 or lower or who doesn’t specialize in spiritual guidance and its resulting emotional well-being. Many offer either a free or low-cost session to determine if there’s rapport. However, since such coaches are few and far between, don’t be surprised if finding one takes considerable research.  They do, though, exist.  Furthermore, they may be much less expensive than you imagine.

[For example, although I’m likely close to retirement or death, I happen to be a certified life coach with a sufficiently high personal calibration (596) and I’m still taking on new clients for personal coaching. For example, I offer to teach you both of those techniques mentioned above for just $99 each, and, since they come with a full money-back guarantee, you don’t risk a penny. Each also comes with a valuable, written general guide and my own calculation of your personal calibration. I also offer multi-month personal coaching for five figures.]

If you’re not already doing the required spiritual work, in the strongest possible terms I recommend that you begin immediately to do so. There’s nothing more important for you to be doing to live better and become happier. 

Have you found this interesting, stimulating, or helpful?  If it has helped you to understand better how loving/living well is possible, please share it. 

I’d value your feedback. You may send it to:

I wish you all the best!

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